When I decided to leave him I was really bad off. I never thought the love of my life would actually do what he did. I lost it. More so than I ever have before. I lost a lot of weight. So much weight that I became anorexia looking and gaunt. I moved in with my mother because I knew how bad off I was. I couldn't eat. Everything I put to my mouth made me gag over the thought of what had just happened. What made it worse was the thought of him proposing to me a month before it all went down....I waited 5 years for that damn ring and by God I worked my ass off for it. One thing about me is when I am with someone, I treat that person like a king. Rolling the red carpet out and meeting every command the relationship has to offer. I felt like I was dying inside. I truly loved him with all I ever had. I knew when I first met him he was going to be the one. Little did I know I was totally wrong.
Moving into my mom's I could barely hold my head up. I was so weak. I felt like I was dying. Like I had lost a loved one and in reality I did. Suicide passed through my mind on a daily basis. I cried at least three times a day. I would dream at least two to three times a week reliving the whole breakup again and again. Reliving the same horrible feelings that I had felt at the time I found out the first time. I was living in pure hell. It was absolutely pitiful. But I knew I needed help. I needed my mother. My condition prolonged for weeks afterwards and I still kept losing weight. My mother finally had to put her foot down with me. She threatened to emit me into the hospital (once again) to seek medical attention because my body was bruising so bad and easily. I finally told myself enough was enough. I set up a doc appointment for my bipolar and physical check-up. My test showed my iron was extremely low and so I started on the medicines I needed to get back on track. Eventually, I started putting in job applications left and right. I knew I needed to start looking forward and moving on with my life. My children were my main focus and so I knew I had to do what I could to get them through the change. Got them enrolled in school and applied for government programs to get me started. Throughout this whole time Aldo kept in touch with me. Both having breakdowns about what had happened. One thing I can say positive about the whole thing was he stuck to his word about helping as much as he could financially to get me where I needed to be. I was thankful for that much...and I knew that was the least he could do.
I started dating this guy named Josh. He had moved down from Dallas to be next to me. He gave up a firefighting position in order to be closer to me. Even himself was going through a split from his wife of 10 years. The whole relationship turned out to be a joke. I was used for whatever he could get out of me so that he could start a new life elsewhere. I really started to like this guy and out of nowhere I was dropped like a hat. Want to talk about major trust issues? I learned my lesson. After a couple months, I finally got a job at the Harley-Davidson shop. I was thrilled. I have always loved the lifestyle and bikes of Harley-Davidson. Working there was a breeze but my kids stayed sick. Missing work became a norm because I was the only one to care for the kids and make sure they were well taken care of. After three months I got fired!! All I could say to myself....what next? At that point I just wanted to give up. It just became too hard. All this time people are telling me how strong I was but all I could do is cry and laugh like a crazy person thinking if only these people knew.
So now...I am back in Arlington, Texas. My ex was kind enough to hand over the house to me and the kids with an awesome deal to help us out until I figure things out. Coming back was not only easy but hard. Considering we had lots of memories in this house it was definitely heart wrenching at first but seeing how happy he is with his new love and how happy I am with my children, I can only imagine how better things will get from here on in. I keep reminding myself...what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. And the will that gives me my drive is seeing the faces of my beautiful children and knowing that one day if all falls as planned, I will live happily ever after. So I say to you, if you have ever been through something similar and feel like giving up, understand there is always someone out there that God has for you. Be patient. Fight like there is no tomorrow because you only have one life to live and you are NEVER promised tomorrow. Make it the best. Because God blessed you the breath of life and it is up to you to follow through to the best of your human capability to be thankful and blessed for what gift has been given.
No comments:
Post a Comment