Me! Take it or Leave it! Part II

      Decided to go ahead and make a part two from the first blog I ever posted about me. At that time I was still with Aldo and thought life was actually alright. I knew we had our ups and downs. Every relationship gets rocky from time to time. But never did I actually believe that he would hurt me the way he did?! Well, it happened and I have been split from him for about 6 months now.

      When I decided to leave him I was really bad off. I never thought the love of my life would actually do what he did. I lost it. More so than I ever have before. I lost a lot of weight. So much weight that I became anorexia looking and gaunt. I moved in with my mother because I knew how bad off I was. I couldn't eat. Everything I put to my mouth made me gag over the thought of what had just happened. What made it worse was the thought of him proposing to me a month before it all went down....I waited 5 years for that damn ring and by God I worked my ass off for it. One thing about me is when I am with someone, I treat that person like a king. Rolling the red carpet out and meeting every command the relationship has to offer. I felt like I was dying inside. I truly loved him with all I ever had. I knew when I first met him he was going to be the one. Little did I know I was totally wrong.

     Moving into my mom's I could barely hold my head up. I was so weak. I felt like I was dying. Like I had lost a loved one and in reality I did. Suicide passed through my mind on a daily basis. I cried at least three times a day. I would dream at least two to three times a week reliving the whole breakup again and again. Reliving the same horrible feelings that I had felt at the time I found out the first time. I was living in pure hell. It was absolutely pitiful. But I knew I needed help. I needed my mother. My condition prolonged for weeks afterwards and I still kept losing weight. My mother finally had to put her foot down with me. She threatened to emit me into the hospital (once again) to seek medical attention because my body was bruising so bad and easily. I finally told myself enough was enough. I set up a doc appointment for my bipolar and physical check-up. My test showed my iron was extremely low and so I started on the medicines I needed to get back on track. Eventually, I started putting in job applications left and right. I knew I needed to start looking forward and moving on with my life. My children were my main focus and so I knew I had to do what I could to get them through the change. Got them enrolled in school and applied for government programs to get me started. Throughout this whole time Aldo kept in touch with me. Both having breakdowns about what had happened. One thing I can say positive about the whole thing was he stuck to his word about helping as much as he could financially to get me where I needed to be. I was thankful for that much...and I knew that was the least he could do. 

      I started dating this guy named Josh. He had moved down from Dallas to be next to me. He gave up a  firefighting position in order to be closer to me. Even himself was going through a split from his wife of 10 years. The whole relationship turned out to be a joke. I was used for whatever he could get out of me so that he could start a new life elsewhere. I really started to like this guy and out of nowhere I was dropped like a hat. Want to talk about major trust issues? I learned my lesson. After a couple months, I finally got a job at the Harley-Davidson shop. I was thrilled. I have always loved the lifestyle and bikes of Harley-Davidson. Working there was a breeze but my kids stayed sick. Missing work became a norm because I was the only one to care for the kids and make sure they were well taken care of. After three months I got fired!! All I could say to myself....what next? At that point I just wanted to give up. It just became too hard. All this time people are telling me how strong I was but all I could do is cry and laugh like a crazy person thinking if only these people knew.  

     So now...I am back in Arlington, Texas. My ex was kind enough to hand over the house to me and the kids with an awesome deal to help us out until I figure things out. Coming back was not only easy but hard. Considering we had lots of memories in this house it was definitely heart wrenching at first but seeing how happy he is with his new love and how happy I am with my children, I can only imagine how better things will get from here on in. I keep reminding myself...what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. And the will that gives me my drive is seeing the faces of my beautiful children and knowing that one day if all falls as planned, I will live happily ever after. So I say to you, if you have ever been through something similar and feel like giving up, understand there is always someone out there that God has for you. Be patient. Fight like there is no tomorrow because you only have one life to live and you are NEVER promised tomorrow. Make it the best. Because God blessed you the breath of life and it is up to you to follow through to the best of your human capability to be thankful and blessed for what gift has been given. 

   

Me. Take it or leave it!

You see this person above? It's me. A picture can tell a whole story. It's amazing that nowadays a person has to sugar coat their self image based on how people will judge or perceive him or her. Personally, I could give a shit. I've gone down that road before and believe me I was fucking miserable. I will not or will never pretend to be someone or thing I am not to fit in or get approval from anyone. 

Wanna know a little about me? Because I sure as hell have a lot to say! Let me start from the beginning.  I have three sisters and a brother but lived with only my two biological sisters throughout my childhood years. I was born and partially raised in Shreveport, LA. My mother and father divorced when I was 7 years old. My father then disappeared and moved on with his life afterwards. Haven't heard much from him since. From then we were on the move constantly. I cannot recall how many schools I went to throughout my whole life but I can bet you it was definitely over 10. So keeping friends and being involved in social groups was impossible. I pretty much stuck to myself and did my own thing. I mean what was the point, right? Things started slowing down when I got to high school....kinda. I was able to open up a little more. I was a drummer in high school and only kept a few close friends that I occasionally did things with. By the time I graduated I was 4 months pregnant walking across the stage to receive my diploma. NOT to mention that getting pregnant messed my plans up with the military. I was suppose to head to basic training that following summer and my MOS was to be a surgical assistant. It was very disappointing but I had other more important things to focus on. 

After graduating high school, I got married to the father of my child. He was military as well. From the beginning to the end of our relationship I can only say I've lived with him for a little over a year out of 3 years. We ended up splitting up because I caught him cheating on me with  female soldier while I was 9 months pregnant with our second child. At the time it was the roughest thing I had to go through considering I already had one kid and working on two. I left with no money, no car, no job...nothing! I bounced out of family and friends houses to get on my feet and it became tough! After I had my second child I found out she was epileptic at the age of 3 months. Considering she was in and out of the hospital, I wasn't able to hold down a job. I had no child support coming in and I had the worst postpartum depression ever. Eventually, I hit rock bottom to the breaking point of wanting to commit suicide. I was emitted into a mental ward for over a week and a half and was diagnosed being bipolar. At the same time I was in the mental hospital, my epileptic daughter was emitted into the other part of the hospital due to repetitious seizures that almost killed her. I had an officer escort me to the other end to see her. Thankfully she pulled through and is still healthy till this day. At that moment, I knew I had to get my shit together for my babies. I was released from the hospital with my head held high. I was a woman on a mission. No one could fuck with me. 

Luckily afterwards I got a job. I filed for government programs to help out. I even got in contact with my ex's commander and demanded money for the kids. About a few months after that I met my current boyfriend, Aldo. He took me and my two daughters in as his own. Life with him at first was hard. He was also going through a split and in the process having to maintain peace to see his kids. It has been a journey. We've had our ups and really bad downs. But over the years we have pushed through them by learning more and more about each other each and every day. Now we have two sons together and wouldn't change a thing. My kids are my life.

Personally, my past has made me who I am today. After being through all that I've been through even verbal and physical abuse it has made me stronger. I don't put up with bullshit anymore.  I won't lie to you even if it hurts your feelings. I curse, smoke, don't go to church, and all inked up. I'm not self-centered, rude, naive, or incompetent or stupid. But if you know the person within, you would know I'm caring, loyal, honest, loving, and would do anything for anyone. I've realized over the years how to distinguish the difference between the people that are worth it and those who aren't. Believe it or not there aren't many worth it including family. Too much fucking drama. I swear it is what people strive on nowadays. If it ain't drama then it those who start judging you based on what they think they know. These are the two types of people that can go fuck themselves. Before anyone goes pointing a finger at me, they better realize there are three others pointing back at them. Don't judge me unless you know me and what I am about. I'm not perfect and neither are you! I've maintained to focus only on my children and those important to me. I try to limit 'distractions' that could possibly get me down or make me feel like I am not worthy enough. And as much as I hate to admit, I have even made amends with a few of my enemies. If it can be done it should be. Makes life a little easier with less drama...even if it means being the bigger person. Anyways...this is me and what I am about. You can either take it or leave it.